


Black Widow Woes

by Trensu



Series: The Adventures of Darcy and Loki, Mischief Makers [10]
Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-18
Updated: 2012-03-18
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:49:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trensu/pseuds/Trensu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Eloping to Canada, <i>really?”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Black Widow Woes

Sometimes, Natasha thinks that being an assassin is easier than being an Avenger. Problems would be more easily avoided if she could just kill the bad guy of the week on her own. Instead she’s stuck with overly honorable (Steve), lecherous (Tony), smart-but-stupid (Tony and Bruce) men with an almost fetish-like obsession with their weapons of choice (mostly Clint and Tony). Natasha loves her boys, she does. It’s just really, really deep down inside, locked up in an adamantium box that has no openings. She only lets it peek out when she deems it safe which hasn’t actually happened yet, if she’s honest, but she knows her teammates knew how she felt. They all have their own unhealthy coping mechanisms; they don’t judge. They each have just the right kind of dysfunction to mesh well together. 

Still, there are times she wishes she was a one-woman army of destruction. This is one of those times. 

Natasha had no idea what was going on. They were called to stop Loki from attacking an ice packaging factory. She had been mocking the rest of her team for complaining about the cold. She’s Russian--she knows about cold, and that wasn’t it. Magpie had seen them and started flinging snowballs that caused temporary paralysis. Everyone had been hit except Natasha because, obviously, her team needed more practice at avoiding projectiles. Unfortunately, Magpie had zapped Thor away. Natasha didn’t know where he was so she quickly formulated an alternate battle plan to make up for his absence. Just as the rest of her team was becoming mobile again, Loki had shown up. Natasha overheard Magpie complaining loudly that it took him so long that their tactical advantage was gone. Natasha had been set on edge by Loki’s appearance. He seemed to be shimmering which translated into ‘very very bad’ in Natasha’s book.

Natasha fired a few shots at Loki that were immediately blocked by a magical shield sent up by Magpie. She quickly reloaded her weapon and aimed at Magpie. She stopped cold, staring at the scene unfolding before her. Then she took a deep breath and reminded herself that shooting her teammates is _bad_ , even if they did just propose to the God of Mischief.

Steve was still crouched on one knee, hands desperately clutching Loki’s fingertips. A detached part of Natasha that wasn’t mentally skinning Captain America alive was hung up on the fact that Steve was in full Captain America gear. The paps were going to be all over this and then Natasha would have to deal with Coulson’s and Fury’s bad mood. That would usually be Steve’s job, being the most level-headed of the lot, but he’s apparently gone off the deep end which left Natasha as the most level-headed. She was not getting paid enough to deal with this amount of idiocy.

“Captain!” she snapped. Steve didn’t react, his adoring gaze riveted on Loki, who looked a bit dazed.

“Please, Loki. I could make you so happy. We’ll move to Canada and adopt ten children,” Steve implored. Just as Natasha had convinced her conscience that shooting the Cap in a non-fatal area was really for the greater good, Iron Man swooped down from where he was supposed to be providing aerial coverage, and kicked their dear Captain into a nearby building. Natasha ran to their leader, and hoisted him up from the rubble. 

_Oh thank god, now maybe we can save some face._ The minute that thought crossed her mind, Natasha knew it was too good to be true. It was directed towards Tony Stark. He wouldn’t know how to save face if it blew him. So, really, Natasha was not surprised when the face plate lifted and a metal-clad arm wrapped around Loki’s (distractingly) slim waist, pulling the god flush against him.

 _Why is this my life?_ Natasha thought in a momentary lapse of control. She tightened her grip on the now unconscious Captain America, eyeing the scene in front of her with trepidation. 

“Hey, baby,” Tony said huskily, leaning in so that his lips brushed against Loki’s cheek. Loki’s eyes fluttered and his skin flickered blue for a moment. “Why don’t you and me go somewhere a bit more private? I have a bed in my penthouse that’s screaming your name.”

Natasha threw up a little in her mouth. Silently, she thanked whatever deity that was listening that Clint went with Banner on a different mission. He would’ve made a horrifying pun about his arrows. She was spared that, at least. She tightened her grip on the Captain and checked to see what weaponry she had on her that could affect a guy in a full-metal suit. Before she got too far into her search, she was startled by a screech.

“LOKI, WHAT THE HELL,” Magpie screamed. 

Loki, Natasha realized, had gone fully blue, his eyes gleaming bright red. He was swaying slightly in Tony’s arms as if he were drunk. He had been disgustingly close to Tony’s mouth ( _which is probably diseased,_ Natasha thought spitefully). At the screech, Loki seemed to regain some of his wits. Blue skin faded to its usual creamy white while he struggled in Iron Man’s grip.

Captain America stirred, indicating a return to consciousness, and Natasha let him drop unceremoniously to the ground. He’s a big boy, he could pick himself off the ground now. She rifled around to look for a grenade because it wasn’t like it would hurt Tony or Loki all that much anyway, but she just desperately needed them to separate. Captain America groaned.

“It’s about time. What the fuck were you thinking?” Natasha snapped as Steve got to his feet. Steve looked at her dazedly. “Eloping to Canada, _really?”_

Steve gasped. For a moment Natasha thought he had regained his senses and the gasp was one of horror and embarrassment. Alas, when she looked over at him from her search for a grenade, he was staring at Iron Man and Loki. Magpie was tugging ineffectually at Loki’s cape, trying to help him get away from Iron Man’s grip.

“Tony, you lecherous bastard! Unhand Loki right now!” Steve roared, flinging his shield at Iron Man. Natasha grabbed the Captain by the elbows before he could charge after his shield.

“Captain, if I can’t shoot you, you’re not allowed to damage Iron Man,” Natasha snarled. Captain America struggled in her grip and choked down a sob. A loud clang confirmed that the Captain’s aim had been true. Tony said some choice word concerning Steve’s lineage.

“He’s defiling my future wife!” Steve exclaimed. His eyes were filling with tears.

That’s it. Natasha was blowing up everything. She could explain it away as an unfortunate weapons malfunction. She was the lone survivor but she’d soldier on because that what her teammates would want her to do. With that plan in mind, she let go of the Captain and started collecting every explosive she had on her person.

She ignored the Captain’s cry, “Tony, fight me like a man! The victor takes Loki’s hand in marriage!”

She also ignored Iron Man’s “You wouldn’t be able to pleasure Loki like I can, Mr. 40-year-old Virgin!”

“YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF A PRINCE OF ASGARD,” Thor boomed, making a sudden reappearance from wherever Magpie had sent him with her magic. He swung his hammer, knocking away Tony and Steve, both of whom had been grappling under Loki’s appraising gaze, and sending them into the realm of unconsciousness. Loki was also blue again. Natasha didn’t really want to know, so she ignored it. Loki growled at the interruption, shimmering more forcefully than before.

“Loki, what are you doing?” Natasha heard Magpie hiss. She ignored that, too. 

So far, Natasha had planted three grenades. Each had string knotted on the pin so that she could pull out the pins simultaneously when the time came. She’d need to plant two more in order to bring down the factory. She was reasonably certain no one would actually die in the explosion because her conscience kicked in and reminded her that the Avengers were family and one mustn’t murder family if one could help it.

Thor, at this point, had crowded a still-blue Loki up against the nearest surface. He murmured a downright erotic _“brother”_ that sent Loki hissing into a full-body shudder, red eyes aflutter. Thor started mouthing at Loki’s neck, making Loki release pleased whimpers. Natasha took a moment to wonder exactly how much money Loki would make in the porn industry. She then firmly shook off the thought and planted the fourth grenade.

“Oh, _gross_ , you guys!” Magpie whined. “I’m going to be over there _puking_ , if anyone cares.” Natasha absentmindedly nodded her head in sympathy. _I know that feel, bro,_ she thought, glancing over her shoulder.

“Loki, Loki,” Thor panted against Loki’s collar bone, obviously taking great enjoyment from Loki’s breathy gasps. His large hand slid down the length of Loki’s spine, the other firmly gripped on Loki’s hip. “Let me take care of you. Those fiends shall never touch you again.” He punctuated the last statement with a bite that made Loki cry out. Natasha cringed, and quickly found a place to plant the last grenade.

“Please tell me you have a plan.”

Had Natasha been anyone else, like, say, Tony or Steve, she would have yelped like a small child. Since she’s the Black Widow, she merely turned to see who spoke. Magpie had somehow snuck up beside her. The girl’s eyes were wide and haunted from beneath her shining black helmet.

“Seriously, I don’t want to watch Loki get it on with his sort-of brother! I’d have to _claw out my eyes,”_ Magpie said desperately, leaning into Natasha’s personal space. 

“We’re enemies…you aren’t attacking me,” Natasha pointed out. 

“Uh, well…no,” Magpie coughed nervously. “Desperate times, and all.” She shifted self-consciously. Minutes ticked by in awkward silence. A lusty moan broke the stalemate between them. A strangled sound escaped Magpie’s throat. She pointed a thumb behind her. “Unless you want to stick around to watch that.”

Natasha peeked behind them and immediately regretted it. Loki’s eyes were blazing, blue lip tucked between pearly teeth, as Thor rutted against him.

“I’m going to blow up everything. I just set up the last grenade,” Natasha stated, showing the string she had knotted through all the grenade pins. Magpie’s expression turned adoring. 

“You’re amazing,” Magpie said. Natasha smirked devilishly.

“I’m aware.”

“…right, okay. Here’s the plan. You blow up everything but I’m going to teleport me and Loki away before then. Your guys are pretty sturdy and you probably set it up so they don’t get hurt too bad. Just let me get near enough to Loki. I’ll give you a signal.” Magpie paused, biting her lip. After a moment of indecision, she rummaged in a pocket and pulled out charm bracelet that held a single feather charm. She clasped it around Natasha’s wrist, blushing faintly. “Um. It’ll keep you safe. Temporary invulnerability. Good for a lot of little blows, or one big explosion before being drained.”

Before Natasha could demand an explanation, Magpie teleported away. Natasha should pull the pins now. She owed nothing to the pair of villains that have been hounding their world. She had no reason to trust the bracelet did what Magpie claimed. And yet…she watched Magpie inch closer to Loki, wincing at every grunt the gods emitted. With one last grimace, Magpie clutched at Loki’s ankle from where it was hooked around Thor’s waist. Magpie waved a glove-clad hand at her and disappeared with Loki in a wisp of smoke that left Thor coughing.

Natasha let out a calming breath, and took a leap of faith.

She pulled the string.

~*~*~

After being reamed out by Fury (Coulson called it a debriefing), she rounded on the three shamefaced men. Tony kept shooting distraught looks at Steve, and Thor couldn’t meet anyone’s eye. Steve looked like he wanted to the earth to swallow him up with extreme prejudice.

“This will _never happen again._ If, for some reason, it does, I will personally remove you all from your manhoods. We are _professionals_ , for god's sake, not teenagers being led around by our libidos! Am I making myself clear?” Natasha hissed. She glared at them fiercely until they all nodded timidly. Then she turned on her heel and went home for a relaxing bath.

It wasn’t until she was laying in bed for the night that she noticed she still had the charm bracelet on her wrist.


End file.
